DO NOT SWALLOW YOUR
BUBBLE-GUM

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’

tags: abbott & costello, bud abbott, funny abbott and costello humor, funny computer parody, lou costello, who’s on first humor

tags: comic email forwards, cute funnies, funny comics, raunchy comics, raunchy funnies

A COP’S WORST NIGHTMARE
Anyone who has ever been in law enforcement
prays that they will never get a call like this on their watch.
WARNING —- The photo is very graphic.
NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART…………….

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

tags: bad blonde jokes, bad email humor, more blonde jokes

You have been chosen to receive the Blessing of the Snow Fairy!

May you be blessed by his good deeds!

You must pass the Snow Fairy to 7 people within 60 seconds to receive your one year blessing….HURRY!

tags: funny chain emails, funny winter photos, snow fairy chain email

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs , the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

A Prayer…….

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death, because I don’t know how to crochet.

tags: anger management, happy marriage, knit to cope with anger, shoe box

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: ‘Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ”Cause you’re ugly.’

tags: drunk at a supermarket, funny drunk humor, funny single humor, poor ugly lady in the supermarket

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn’t you like to
respond like this?…..
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the
wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I
didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL*MART won’t let me shop there anymore.

tags: funny email forwards, stupid people asking stupid questions, the purina diet, walmart humor

tags: hillary for president, awesome bumper stickers!, funny political humor, monica lewinsky’s ex boyfriends wife for president