Ghosts
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’
About 90 students raise their hands.
‘Well, that’s a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’
About 40 students raise their hands.
‘That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously..
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’
About 15 students raise their hand.
‘Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’
Three students raise their hands.
‘That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’
Bubba replied….
‘Shiiiiiiit!! >From way back there I thought you said ‘Goats…’
Keep in mind this actually really did happen!!!!
This is someone who was leaving an insurance claims office.
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went: Walmart Employee: ‘Hello ‘dis Walmarts, how can I help you?’
Customer: ‘ I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.’
Walmart Employee: ‘What you want on the cake?’
Customer: ‘Best Wishes Suzanne’ and underneath that ‘We will miss you’.
Two Kentucky hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple
of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a corn dog, begins to cough.
After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?” The
woman shakes her head no.
“Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue; eyes widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and
quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the corn dog
flies out of her mouth. She begins to breath again.
The Hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, “Ya know, I’d Heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’,
but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!”
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading our culture,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as ‘HILLBILLIES.
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore…
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ - She is a ‘BREASTED AMERICAN’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ - She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ - She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ - She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you - She becomes ‘VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ - She is a ‘LOW COST PROVIDER.’
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ - He has developed a ‘LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ - He is ‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ - He ‘INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ - He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ - He develops a case of
‘RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’
6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants - It’s
‘REAR CLEAVAGE.’
