Dee’s Inbox

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.

‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ‘I outlived the bitches.’

If any of you have doubt about what we kids paid for a coke and a sandwich at Woolworths in the 1950’s, here’s proof of the era we lived……..and it was a GREAT ERA to live as a teenager !!!!

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their Wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again he is ready for more “action”. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more “action”. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.”

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: “You mean I Was here already?”

The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.

tags: alzheimer humor, golddigger humor, humor for seniors

funny senior moments, memorable senior moments, granny carjacks car, funny seniors, funny senior citizen emails

Dear Friends and Family
For those of us who feel “senior” in word and in fact — this is a cute one from Julie Andrews.
Enjoy!

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist,
Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s
RadioCityMusic Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical
numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from the legendary
movie, “Sound Of Music”.

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from
the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Please share Ms. Andrews’ clever wit and humor with others
who would appreciate it.

tags: funny twist on my favorite things, julie andrews birthday song, julie andrews new favorite things

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. “Ma ‘am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady … “I’d better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady.
“You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I yell: ‘$20 or off it comes!’”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “Good luck!” By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “Not all of them pay”

With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter.
I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip
me to the store and about town.
This seems to meet my EVERY need.

I love it!

Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and.
We are loaded with natural gas

tags: emails for seniors, funny bicycles, wheels of life email

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

tags: a farmer stopped by the local mechanic, a little raunchy humor, an email retirement community, humor for seniors

“I recently turned 60 and had to choose a new primary care physician

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,

“Do you think I will live to be 80?”

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I don’t do drugs, either.”

“Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?”

“I said, “No, I usually stay home and keep to myself”.

“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit?”

I LOVE this one…..it will make your day. —-

Send this to the Seniors in your life…I’m sure they’ll appreciate it!!

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special”
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine
cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife
asked incredulously.

“YES!!” stated the waitress.

“I’ll take the special then.” my wife said.

“How do you want your eggs?” the waitress asked.

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We’ve been around the block more than once.