Dee’s Inbox

What goes through a man’s mind and a woman’s mind when someone says “Let’s go for a drink”? Observe these three flowcharts.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

*Woman comes home and tells her husband:
“Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well,
they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies: “Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
‘I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.’
It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
Well, that is wonderful” Said the husband.
His wife then says,
“You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these
Last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do
anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
Sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife!”
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Difference Between Women And Men

1. NAMES

If Sue, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other
Sue, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it’s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12 OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY…

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT

Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.

Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.

Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.

Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a
failed effort at camouflaging them.

Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.

Needs front-end work–Tits are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart.

May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,

Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..

Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
· it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 641609489

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically

Telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

Suggestion.

‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of

Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds’

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

‘How long will this take?’ I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies. I

Stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

My breasts every day will make my breasts l arger over the years?’

Without missing a beat he says ‘Worked for your butt, didn’t it?’

He ’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a

Straw.

Stupid, stupid man

tags: bad email humor, really bad email forwards, toilet paper humor

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

” Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’ m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could Think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop..but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know…there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?”

……..and, they lived happily ever after.

tags: funny marriage humor, have a beer at the bar, husband’s anonymous, husbands who can’t go out

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear ” the rules” From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!

1.Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

tags: for the men, funny male email humor, man rules, men really like to sleep on the couch, the man rules email

tags: funny man song, subservient man song, subservient men, the man song, the milton show man song