Dee’s Inbox

Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT

Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.

Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.

Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.

Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a
failed effort at camouflaging them.

Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.

Needs front-end work–Tits are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart.

May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,

Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..

Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
· it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 641609489

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically

Telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

Suggestion.

‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of

Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds’

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

‘How long will this take?’ I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies. I

Stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

My breasts every day will make my breasts l arger over the years?’

Without missing a beat he says ‘Worked for your butt, didn’t it?’

He ’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a

Straw.

Stupid, stupid man

tags: bad email humor, really bad email forwards, toilet paper humor

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

” Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’ m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could Think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop..but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know…there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?”

……..and, they lived happily ever after.

tags: funny marriage humor, have a beer at the bar, husband’s anonymous, husbands who can’t go out

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear ” the rules” From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!

1.Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

tags: for the men, funny male email humor, man rules, men really like to sleep on the couch, the man rules email

tags: funny man song, subservient man song, subservient men, the man song, the milton show man song

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise,Silver again
returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

“What is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully, you dickhead,
for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!

tags: cowboy humor, funny email forwards, funny lone ranger humor, horse humor, horse talk humor, western humor

WOMAN’S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
“how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend.

MAN’S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a
golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn’t
rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

tags: funny email forwards, man poem, men’s poems, women poem, women’s poems

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading our culture,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as ‘HILLBILLIES.
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore…
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ - She is a ‘BREASTED AMERICAN’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ - She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ - She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ - She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you - She becomes ‘VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ - She is a ‘LOW COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ - He has developed a ‘LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ - He is ‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ - He ‘INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ - He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ - He develops a case of
‘RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’
6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants - It’s
‘REAR CLEAVAGE.’

tags: funny politically incorrect emails, political correctness ridiculousness, politically correct humor

tags: bad tattoos, explain this to your girlfriend, funny photos, poor kitty tattoo

How to get a man to wash his hands every time.

tags: funniest photos, funny sinks, inventions to get men to wash their hands, original bathroom design, worlds coolest bathrooms