Dee’s Inbox

What goes through a man’s mind and a woman’s mind when someone says “Let’s go for a drink”? Observe these three flowcharts.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’ The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked The seamstress replied, ‘No.’

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, ‘No.’

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

‘Is this your thimble ?’ the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, ‘Yes.’

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, ‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!’

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. ‘Is this your husband?’ the Lord asked.

‘Yes,’ cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’

The seamstress replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women
Amen!

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.

‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ‘I outlived the bitches.’

Have you ever wondered how a woman’s brain works?
Well….it’s finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand
illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something
that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man only has only 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

*Woman comes home and tells her husband:
“Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well,
they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies: “Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
‘I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.’
It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
Well, that is wonderful” Said the husband.
His wife then says,
“You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these
Last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do
anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
Sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife!”
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do
I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I’d give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I’d bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I’d draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you’d be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I’d remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn’t spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You’d never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn’t hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they’re right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old granny.

You’d never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won’t ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you’d never look stupid
You’d be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I’d give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I’m not Santa.I’m simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got
But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot.
Even though we’ve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

> Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
> family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
> when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to
> share his fortune.
>
> One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
> woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
>
> “I may look like just an ordinary man, “he said to her, “but in
> a short
> time my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
>
> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
> she married his father.
>
> Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
>

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
“So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied.
“The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” Reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc……….she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I! figure d that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Lets see……….where did I put the useless boob?”

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?