Dee’s Inbox

Please print out and carry with you in case you forget what to do.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies - Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season!

A PUPPY FOR CHRISTMAS
by Jim Willis

As Santa loaded his magic sack,
filled with gifts for girls and boys,
he added candy and sugar plums,
and batteries for moving toys.

At the top of the sack he carefully packed
the most special gift of all,
a darling pup for a boy named Timmy,
who from the sack tried to crawl.

Santa turned the puppy around,
he righted him right side up,
’cause there’s no more precious cargo,
than a precocious, bright-eyed pup.

As he made his appointed rounds
and down Timmy’s chimney slid,
he discovered all the sack havoc –
what the blessed pup had done undid!

Santa looked around the room,
it was clear this family was poor.
He noticed the shabbiness everywhere,
and their poverty he couldn’t ignore.

He waved his arms and a tree appeared,
adorned by blinking lights.
He sneezed and holly boughs were hung,
he created a Christmas sight.

Then Santa took to worrying about
a home whose ends wouldn’t meet,
and whether it would be fair to anyone,
when a pup needs a lot to eat.

He scratched his head and knitted his brow,
accustomed to granting any child’s wish,
and the puppy, grown impatient,
jumped up and gave Santa a kiss.

Santa sat down with pen in hand
and he wrote the following note.
He considered each word, thought long
and hard about every sentence he wrote.

“Dear Timmy, you are a splendid lad,
and I hoped to fill your request,
but for the animals of this world,
they each only deserve the best.

“One day you’ll grow to understand
that not every wish may come true,
but I know there’s a dog in your future,
who will love the best of you.

“The time right now was not to be,
I hope my other gifts make you smile.
One day you’ll be a fine young man,
but for a dog, you must wait a while.

“You see, a dog needs more than love,
he’ll have needs, mostly your company.
You’ve yet a lot of growing to do,
and a dog’s needs, I hope you’ll see.”

Santa sighed as he folded the note
and the pup again pawed Santa’s knee.
Santa patted the puppy’s head,
lost in thought, absentmindedly.

The puppy worried about something amiss,
and whether he’d have a home.
Perhaps with someone to love him for life –
maybe love with toys and a bone?

Santa looked into the little dog’s eyes
in those eyes, love plain to see.
He said, “I’ve always wanted a dog myself,
and you’ll be coming home with me!”

Happy Holidays to all!!

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do
I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I’d give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I’d bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I’d draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you’d be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I’d remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn’t spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You’d never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn’t hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they’re right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old granny.

You’d never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won’t ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you’d never look stupid
You’d be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I’d give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I’m not Santa.I’m simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got
But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot.
Even though we’ve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

See if you can outsmart your right foot. Try this!

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

This dog liked the snow way too much!!!!

If you like dogs click on this link and be ready to giggle!!!

tags: bailey the other reindeer, cute snow dog, dogs playing in the snow, the snow dog

tags: contemporary homes pose a landing issue for santa, funny xmas cartoons, roof too sloped for santa to land

Subject: Christmas Party
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: November 23, 2007
>
> RE: Christmas Party
>
>
> I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
> will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function
room
> at the Grill House.
>
>
> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a
> small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along.
>
>
> And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
> Claus!
>
> A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
> among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering
> is only for employees!
>
> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
>
> Patty
>
> ********************************************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: November 23, 2007
>
> RE: Holiday Part y
>
>
> In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our
> Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which
> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However,
> from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”
>
> The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
> Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
> There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols
> sung.
>
> We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy
> now?
>
> Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>
> Patty
>
> ***********************************************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All Employees
>
> DATE: November 23, 2007
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn’t sign your name.
I’m
> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads,
> “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.
>
> How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
>
> Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are
> allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
> executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
> ALLOWED.
> ———————————————
>
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> To: All Employees
>
> RE: Holiday Party
>
>
> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20
> begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> during daylight hours.
>
> There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
> luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
> beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the
> end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
little
> foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
>
> Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
> sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
> closest to the restrooms.
>
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
> have to sit with Gay men, each will h ave their own table. Yes, there will
be
> flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
>
> To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
> cross-dressing allowed t hough.
>
> We will have booster seats for short people.
>
> Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
>
> We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for
> those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
>
> There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
>
> Did I miss anything?!?!?
>
> Patty
>
> ************************************************
> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
>
> TO: All F****** Employees
>
> DATE: November 26, 2007
>
> RE: The F****** Holiday Party
>
>
> Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going
> to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you
can
> sit quietly at the table furthest from the ” grill of death,” as you
> so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including
organic
> tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice
> them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope
you all
> have a rotten holiday!
>
> Drive drunk and die,
>
> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
>
> ****************************************** ***
>
>FROM: Acting Human Resources Director
>
> DATE: November 26, 2007
>
> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
>
>
> I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
> speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
> meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone
> the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
>
> Happy Holidays!

tags: classic holiday email forwards, holiday party humor, holiday party office humor, political correctness to the extreme

tags: charlie brown misery, funny adult swim cartoon, funny adult swim holiday peanuts gang skit, peanuts gang humor, sally kills snoopy, sickness, snoopy gets it

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER
FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE.

YOU’VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED
VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL
DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.

THAT’S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER

tags: funny xmas emails, naughty xmas email forwards, naughty xmas emails, raunchy xmas emails, xmas buyers beware

tags: omg, funny xmas emails photos, i want to sit on santas lap, naughty santa photos, naughty santas, santa humor for the ladies, santas lap, who wants to sit on santas lap, xxxmas