Dee’s Inbox

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer”.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

*Woman comes home and tells her husband:
“Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well,
they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies: “Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
‘I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.’
It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
Well, that is wonderful” Said the husband.
His wife then says,
“You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these
Last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do
anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
Sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife!”
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘ Hello ? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘ No .’

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’ ‘ Yes ‘

‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No ‘

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘ Yes , ‘ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman . ‘

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’

‘ No, he’s busy , ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘ Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ‘ came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘ A helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

‘ ME . ‘

A holy man was having a
conversation with the Lord one day and said,
‘Lord, I would like to know what
Heaven and Hell are like.’

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room was a large round table.

In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew,
which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s
mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and

sickly. They appeared to be famished.

They were holding spoons with very long handl es
that were strapped to their arms

and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.

But because the handle was longer than their arms,
they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their

misery and suffering.

The Lord said, ‘You have seen Hell.’

They went to the next room and opened the door.
It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot
of stew which made the holy man’ s mouth water.

The people were equipped wi th the same long-handled spoons,

but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.’

‘It is simple,’ said the Lord.

‘It requires but one skill. You see they have learned
to feed each other, while the
greedy think only of themselves.’

When Jesus died on the cross, he was

thinking of you. It’s estimated 93% won’t forward
this.

If you are one of the 7%

who will, forward this with the title ‘7%’.

I’m in the 7%.

Remember that I will always share my spoon with you

A PUPPY FOR CHRISTMAS
by Jim Willis

As Santa loaded his magic sack,
filled with gifts for girls and boys,
he added candy and sugar plums,
and batteries for moving toys.

At the top of the sack he carefully packed
the most special gift of all,
a darling pup for a boy named Timmy,
who from the sack tried to crawl.

Santa turned the puppy around,
he righted him right side up,
’cause there’s no more precious cargo,
than a precocious, bright-eyed pup.

As he made his appointed rounds
and down Timmy’s chimney slid,
he discovered all the sack havoc –
what the blessed pup had done undid!

Santa looked around the room,
it was clear this family was poor.
He noticed the shabbiness everywhere,
and their poverty he couldn’t ignore.

He waved his arms and a tree appeared,
adorned by blinking lights.
He sneezed and holly boughs were hung,
he created a Christmas sight.

Then Santa took to worrying about
a home whose ends wouldn’t meet,
and whether it would be fair to anyone,
when a pup needs a lot to eat.

He scratched his head and knitted his brow,
accustomed to granting any child’s wish,
and the puppy, grown impatient,
jumped up and gave Santa a kiss.

Santa sat down with pen in hand
and he wrote the following note.
He considered each word, thought long
and hard about every sentence he wrote.

“Dear Timmy, you are a splendid lad,
and I hoped to fill your request,
but for the animals of this world,
they each only deserve the best.

“One day you’ll grow to understand
that not every wish may come true,
but I know there’s a dog in your future,
who will love the best of you.

“The time right now was not to be,
I hope my other gifts make you smile.
One day you’ll be a fine young man,
but for a dog, you must wait a while.

“You see, a dog needs more than love,
he’ll have needs, mostly your company.
You’ve yet a lot of growing to do,
and a dog’s needs, I hope you’ll see.”

Santa sighed as he folded the note
and the pup again pawed Santa’s knee.
Santa patted the puppy’s head,
lost in thought, absentmindedly.

The puppy worried about something amiss,
and whether he’d have a home.
Perhaps with someone to love him for life –
maybe love with toys and a bone?

Santa looked into the little dog’s eyes
in those eyes, love plain to see.
He said, “I’ve always wanted a dog myself,
and you’ll be coming home with me!”

Happy Holidays to all!!

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

If I were ol’ Santa, you know what I’d do
I’d dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I’d give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I’d bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I’d draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you’d be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I’d remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn’t spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You’d never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn’t hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they’re right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you’re a nervous old granny.

You’d never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won’t ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you’d never look stupid
You’d be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I’d give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I’m not Santa.I’m simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I’ve got
But I’m due at my doctor’s for an estrogen shot.
Even though we’ve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

QUESTION - How can we possibly get everything

that fit ‘very nicely’ into our BIG SUV’s
……into one of these?

ANSWER - We are NOT going to!

But look at all of the ‘great new choices’
we will have from ‘The SMART Car’….

The Smorvette!

The Smaudi A3 AWD!

The Smamborghini!

The Smorsche!

The Smorsche Targa!

And last, but not least,

The Smerrari!

See if you can outsmart your right foot. Try this!

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.